doodles, lessons, and waking up

I’m into drawing pictures and doodles lately. I live in the head-space of ideas and ideals and pictures and visions. I am not an artist, but doodles help me conceptualize and visualize the ideas and words that pop into my brain every millisecond (literally though). 

I just started Brene Brown’s new book, “Dare to Lead”. If you know me at all, you know that I love Brene Brown, and I also love leadership. It’s just in my wiring, to lead. Public speaking doesn’t wig me out, I love giving presentations, and I believe in the transformative power of wholehearted leadership. I was our former high school class president and found myself in several leadership roles in college. Then, my intention was NOT wholehearted leadership, but the opposite. My intention was ego-driven, void-filling, and laced with perfectionism. That’s not real leadership. 

But— I digress— because that’s not what I feel led to write about today. I’m only 40 pages into the book, so perhaps I’ll expand on this idea of wholehearted leadership later on. 

But back to doodles. 

I drew a picture in my journal today that really encompasses what I’m learning these days, and generally, this year. I didn’t draw it with the intention of sharing it, I drew it for me, because journaling (like pen and paper journaling) is therapeutic. It's a way that I care for myself. 2018 has been a year of WILD growth for me. But in what ways? And how? 

Let’s start with in what ways. I have a hunch you may relate. 

I’ve learned so much about surrendering and trust. Who knew coming back to Nashville, a place that I really didn’t like, would feel like coming home. I’ve learned to give things second chances, without trying to control the outcome. I’ve also learned that surrender and trust are harder than trying to control things all the time. Harder, but worth it. I used to think life was just about pushing harder and hustling, but it’s really not. It’s more often than not, about letting go and trusting the process. (*No, I don’t mean you should sit on your couch all day and be a sloth…what I’m talking about is an attitude of ultimate surrender and letting go, even while working towards what you want). It’s nuanced, like everything else that means something. 

I’ve learned that I am allowed to follow my heart, even when it makes no logical or financial sense. I know, now, without a shadow of a doubt, that “my work” is deeply connected to our shared human experience— it’s deeply connected to who I am. I have never been more confident in the direction that I am heading. I am meant to be in the field of counseling, in the field of healing. I am meant to do the work of guiding other people to find in themselves the power to change, to evolve, and to heal. I am meant to write and use my voice and encourage people to commit to becoming their most whole and most grounded selves. 

I’ve learned about boundaries. Gosh this lesson was a tough one. One that began with a really difficult conversation between me and my very best friend, and that resulted in a massive unfolding and unlearning and rewiring within me. I have never felt so much freedom using the word “no”, even when it disappoints other people! Admitting my limitations, embracing self-care, and choosing myself before choosing other people used to be such foreign ideas to me. Self-love is really sinking down deep into my bones these days. Because I deserve to come home to myself, instead of abandoning myself and my needs. You deserve that too. 

I am really in the trenches, right now, of learning about what it means to truly open my heart to love. Weird, right? Because I’m married, which means I’ve totally figured out this whole intimacy thing. WRONGO… (my grinch fans, I hope you caught that)! For so long, I have self-protected from hurt and the fear of being hurt, that I’ve (unconsciously) sealed myself off from receiving love along the way. This has effected EVERYTHING, especially intimacy. Lately, I am just breaking open, another layer is being shed. I am, again, unlearning and relearning what it means to deeply accept myself exactly as I am. Self-love and intimacy with others is so deeply connected, ya’ll. Can we really receive love from others if we cannot first receive it from our very selves? 

….

So, how? How do we grow, how do we change and how do we heal?

I could go in so many directions with the answers to these questions, and there are just so many paths. But I want to share with you one of the ways that I think this happens: by waking up. 

Not what you were expecting, huh? Let me unpack it. 

It’s really easy to not see or notice or acknowledge the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that are governing our lives and writing our stories. We often live extremely disconnected from ourselves. We move through our days like robots, neglecting the ‘feeling parts’ we were created to embody. To really notice means to stop, to be mindful, to be intentional, and for some of us that sounds like really scary work. It is brave work, indeed. To be observers of our own internal world and to engage in deep reflection is not the way many of us were raised, nor is it valued in our culture...which really peeves me, but I shall not digress. For many of us, I think we fear what we might notice if we dared to step off the hamster wheel of productivity and performance and, dare I say...avoiding what's going on internally. 

We might be quick to name our symptoms: anxiety, depression, hyper-vigilance, panic, mania, impulsivity, etc., but we’re really hesitant to do the real excavating, the deep digging, to get to the real root. Because it’s messy and unkept and complex, and we’d rather armor-up than excavate deep-seated grief and loss that we've instead been conditioned to "get over" or bury or deny. I get it. I really do. I've been there. 

But I'm waking up. 

Because something happens when you wake up and you really start to see all the ways you’ve self-sabotaged, self-harmed, gotten in your own way, and neglected tending to and nurturing your very self. Once you wake, you can’t unwake. Call it self-awareness or attunement or whatever feels right. But for me, it’s felt like waking up for the first time, and really taking a hard look at reality. Staring at it. Rumbling with it. Showing up, instead of running away. Meeting it with immense self-compassion and self-acceptance. Remember, the antidote to shame is not self-discipline or trying harder. It's empathy. Towards SELF. 

Remember when I said I drew a picture? I drew a picture to represent the space from where I want to live my life. It represents a new story I’m writing. It represents a new way of being and living as one who has every right to claim her identity as a Beloved child of the King (as do you) because the Cross tells me that I am free. It’s a space where I’m claiming my values. It’s a space that I can now truly behold because I am awake. Awake to all the parts of me that were afraid or asleep or ashamed. Getting honest with ourselves is the heart of therapeutic work. It is brave work. It can be exhausting work, and is absolutely vulnerable work.

It is, more than anything, profoundly beautiful work. 

My picture describes this space. It’s a circle. In the center are the words: ‘Space of intimacy and love. This is a space of vulnerability, of knowing that I am exposing myself to being possibly being hurt while opening wide to love. This is a space of risk, uncertainty, of emotional exposure. It’s a space where no masks are allowed anymore and where radical self-acceptance triumphs. It’s a gray space, where every paradoxical truth is held and where I am nurtured.’

So what I am leaving out of the circle? 

I’m leaving out perfectionism, hiding, armoring up, the inner-critic, control, judgment, the eating disorder, shrinking to accommodate others, cheap-seats feedback, running away, and fear. Let me make it clear that I will without a doubtfail sometimes (often, actually), and that’s okay. You can bet these little devils will try to creep their way back into my circle. And yet, I can stick to my truth and stay true to my heart and stand my ground. This circle is buffered by self-compassion in every way. Because it’s not about perfection anymore. It’s about awareness. It's about choosing to care for my soul, especially when I get knocked down. It's about embracing my sensitivity, instead of running from it. It's about choosing grace day after day, moment by moment. 

I wanted to share these lessons and learnings with you because I believe that courage is contagious and that vulnerably SHOWING UP for your life empowers other people to show up for themselves too. I share because what is most personal is often most universal. So, I'm going to show up and claim my space in this world. Are you coming with me?  

In what ways do you need to show up for yourself in 2019? In what areas of your life do you need to be honest with yourself about the story hiding behind the symptoms? What parts of yourself have you disowned and how can you befriend them again? What do you need to leave behind in 2019, and what do you need to claim? 

I need to remind you that you never have to go at it alone. I’m not trying to tell you that you need therapy, although I believe wholeheartedly in that process and I'm pretty committed to breaking down that stigma. Seeking counseling is just about the bravest thing you can do (in my very biased opinion). What I am trying to tell you is that you were never meant to tackle these deeply human issues by yourself. You were created for connection and belonging— don’t forget that part. 

...

Give yourself permission to feel. 

Give yourself permission to heal. 

Allow your heart to crack open and expand. 

And it’s really okay to cry. It’s more than okay to hurt. 

Trust the process. 

Trust YOUR process. 

You are becoming anew, you are becoming whole. 

You are becoming. 

in love always,

Rach